Today I find myself at an interesting crossroads between my life and the Jewish calendar. My mother died on June 19th and then we buried her two days later. Today is the end of her Shloshim– marking 30 days from burial. Aveilut, Jewish mourning cycle, moves in stages:

• Aninut – generally the day when the news is heard; before burial. A mourner in this period is known as an onen.
• Shiva – seven days, from the Hebrew word for seven. Begins day of burial.
• Shloshim – 30 days, starting from the day of burial.
• Twelve Months – 12 months, for a parent. Yud Bais (Yiddish), or Yud Bet (Hebrew), means 12. Chodesh means month.

In each stage we lower the level of limitation as we move move through the process of mourn the departed.

Today marks my moving into the next stage of mourning. Along with friends a family we will mark this moment with a siyum of our collective learning of Tanach in her honor on Sunday 9 am (PST)/ 12 pm (EST): https://www.sinai-sj.org/live. There is deep wisdom in this process. I have found every step away the deep pain of the news of her death very cathartic experience.

As part of this process I have not gotten a haircut since before my mom died. My hair is longer than ever and it looks and feels awful. I was looking forward to trimming my beard and getting a hair cut, but alas I cannot because we in the Three Weeks. Starting with the17th of Tammuz, a fast day in commemoration of the breaching of the walls of Jerusalem. The three weeks later this process of national destruction reaches its nadir with Tisha B’Av the destruction of the Temple.

The mourning observances during the Three Weeks are divided into four levels, increasing in intensity:^[1]

1. From the Seventeenth of Tammuz until the end of Tammuz
2. From Rosh Chodesh Av until the week in which Tisha B’Av falls
3. The week in which Tisha B’Av falls until the Eighth of Av
4. Tisha B’Av itself

My colleague Amy Meltzer pointed out the inverse parallel in these processes. With the personal mourning process we march away from the pain and restrictions. In contrast, in our collective mourning that ends in Tisha B’Av this process and restrictions intensify getting closer to mourning rituals as we get closer to the day of destruction. Lined up next to each other personal mourning and national mourning form a elegant chiastic structure.

But this did not line up that way for me. I am personally emerging from a level of mourning as we collectively are ramping up in the 9 days.

I am at the intersection of my personal and our collective mourning experiences. It is interesting to sit at this point in time and point in my life. A special thank you goes out to everyone who has helped with the Siyum. It means the world to have the collective support personal experience of mourning. I will have to wait until after Tisha B’Av for my haircut. I am sure that will be very cathartic.