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On Yehuda & Tamar: Crafting a Culture of Consent

Published December 16, 2022 1.09 VaYeshev , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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In VaYeshev, this week’s Torah portion, we learn the side story for the Yakov’s children. Most of it follows the trials and tribulations of Yosef. We take a break from this narrative and we learn about Yehuda’s family. He has three sons Er, Onan, and Shelah. His eldest marries a women named Tamar. Er dies and then Onan marries her only to die as well. Yehuda believes she has killed two of his sons, and subjugates her so that she is unable to remarry. However, she ultimately tricks Yehuda into impregnating her and therefore secures her place in the family. There we read:

So she took off her widow’s garb, covered her face with a veil, and, wrapping herself up, sat down at the “entrance to eyes” which is on the road to Timnah; for she saw that Shelah was grown up, yet she had not been given to him as wife. When Yehuda saw her, he took her for a harlot; for she had covered her face. So he turned aside to her by the road and said, “Here, let me sleep with you”—for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law. “What,” she asked, “will you pay for sleeping with me?” He replied, “I will send a kid from my flock.” But she said, “You must leave a pledge until you have sent it.” And he said, “What pledge shall I give you?” She replied, “Your seal and cord, and the staff which you carry.” So he gave them to her and slept with her, and she conceived by him. Then she went on her way. She took off her veil and again put on her widow’s garb.

Genesis 38:14-19

Yehuda then sent his friend to redeem the pledge only to not be able to find the mystery harlot. Three months later, it becomes clear that Tamar is pregnant. It was an embarrassment to the family that despite being in mourning after the death of Onan she would have stepped out and is pregnant. Yehuda proclaims that she should be burned. When they bring her forward, she presents his cord and staff which he gave her as collateral. Yehuda recognized them, and says, “She is more in the righteous than me, inasmuch as I did not give her to my son Shelah.” ( Genesis 38: 26). And Yehuda was not intimate with her again.

There is a ton to unpack from this story. For now I just wanted to offer a reading of this story through the lens of Dr. Jennifer Hirsch and Shamus Khan’s book Sexual Citizens: Sex, Power, and Assault on College Campus. This book transforms how we understand and address sexual assault. Through intimate portraits of life and sex among today’s college students, they present an entirely new way to understand sexual assault. Their insights transcending current debates about consent, predators in a “hunting ground,” or the dangers of hooking up. Sexual Citizens reveals the social ecosystem that makes sexual assault a predictable element of life on a college campus. The powerful concepts of sexual projects, sexual citizenship, and sexual geographies, provide a new language for understanding the forces that shape young people’s sexual relationships. The result transforms our understanding of sexual assault and provides a new roadmap for how to address it.

How does focusing on sexual projects, sexual citizenship, and sexual geographies impact our reading of the Yehuda and Tamar story? Different people have sex to satisfy a diversity of interests. This is what Hirsch and Khan mean by sexual project. Clearly Tamar and Yehuda consenting to have sex together, but it is very clear that they did share the same sexual project.

Sexual citizenship is the assumption that their are basic rights that both parties have regardless of the situation. At the start Yehuda has power and Tamar does not. She is stuck. Clearly Yehuda did not see the harlot for who. But this underscores that even without the costume he did not did not see Tamar for who she was. It is also telling that he “buys” sex with his cord and staff, the symbols of his citizenship. When she presents him with these he has to admit that she is more righteous than he is. He has to admit that they both need their rights as sexual citizens.

And finally Hirsch and Khan discuss sexual geographies. How do simple things like the lay of the land advantage or disadvantage people regarding their entering into a sexual experiment. Tamar clear put herself out there at a place called “entrance to eyes”. Clearly this whole affair was an eye opening experience for Yehuda. There is so much to explore here. The nuances of this entire story of Yehuda and Tamar and the ideas shared in Sexual Citizens is eye opening to all of us as we work on crafting a culture of consent.

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IRL: A Blessing for Connecting

Published December 9, 2022 Uncategorized 1 Comment
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This past week Foundation for Jewish Camp ran an amazing conference in Atlanta. This year we hoped to have 600 camp people at Leaders Assembly. We had 900. Beyond the programming and all the coordination, it was just so good being with old friends and new ones in person. My colleague Briana Holtzman who brilliantly put the event together asked me in advance what blessing we should say on this occasion.

We learn in the Gemara in Berakhot, ” Rabbi Yehoshua ben Levi said: One who sees his friend after thirty days have passed since they last saw each other recites: שהחיינו -Blessed…Who has given us life, sustained us and brought us to this moment.  And one who sees his friend after twelve months recites: מחיה מתים  Blessed…Who revives the dead. “(Berakhot 58b)

It had been some time. It was really great seeing all of these people in real life. It had been more than 30 days and more than 12 months. For many people there I had not seen them in real life for three years. But would one really think seeing each other constitutes revival of the dead?  

The Gemara in Berakhot continues saying that Rav learns this from the notion we consider something that we lost 12 months ago,” like a lost vessel” we consider it abandoned (Psalms 31:13). (Berakhot 58b)

Martin Buber wrote, “Every You in the world is doomed by its nature to become a thing or at least to enter into thinghood again and again”  In our lives we have Human “I-Thou” relationships and Transactional “I-It” relationships. Over the last few years we have allowed many of our “I-Thou” relationships to lapse into “I-It” relationships. Reconnecting with your lost friend creates the occasion to transform an I-It into an I- Thou relationship.  Emerging from Covid we need to intentionally reconnect with people. Camp-friends are best-friends because at camp we can be totally present and most aligned to our I-Thou relationships. We all went to Atlanta to come together to escape Zoom and get revived. Moving forward we need to keep connecting. The last few years has made me realize that being together in real life is critical. Our presence is a blessing.  

So Popular: On Lavan and Ye

Published December 2, 2022 1.07 VaYetzei , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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I saw it reported this week that Kanye West, who now goes by Ye, appeared on Alex Jones’ InfoWars show to speak about his recent remarks and said, “people in high school didn’t know what antisemitism meant until I made it popular.” Wow, just wow.

The spike in acts of hate speech and even hate crime against Jews over the last few years has made me ask the question about origin of Antisemitism. Why is there such a long history of people hating us? Where did that all start? Was it really Ye who made it popular or is he just late to the party?

In Vayetze, this week’s Torah portion, we meet Lavan the OB Anti-Semite for the second time. Jacob shows up and he is on the run from his brother. Jacob falls in love with Lavan’s younger daughter Rachel. Lavan makes Jacob work for 7 years for her but then tricks him into marrying her sister Leah instead. When Jacob confront Lavan he says:“It is not the practice in our place to marry off the younger before the older.” (Genesis 29:26)

Why would local customs override such an agreement? Again we see something interesting in the Or HaChaim. On this he comments:

Actually, Laban argued that the local inhabitants had protested what he had agreed to. Inasmuch as the inhabitants were the majority and he was only a single individual, he Laban, had to bow to their wishes. This is why he spoke about במקומנו, “in our place.”

Or HaChaim on Genesis 29:26

Lavan Rivka’s sister and Jacob’s uncle. How is this place our place and not also Jacob’s place. Here we see Lavan reminding Jacob that he did not belong there. He was a stranger in a strange land. This is why the Passover Hagadah holds up Lavan as the paradigm of antisemitsm

What do we learn from this? Ye is late to the party and being a semite does not mean you can not be an Anti-Semite. We should be liberated to experience empathy of the “other”. We need to remember that even if we do not agree or get along, from its origins, we are still family and we should strive to understand each other.

Remembering the Holocaust: Revisiting Zechariah

Published November 28, 2022 8.2 Hanukah , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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The holidays are behind us, we just celebrated Thanksgiving and Rosh Hodesh Kislev on Thursday and we are in the clear until the 25th when we celebrate Chanukah. Yesterday was the 4th of Kislev and it passed without mention or fanfare. But It was an important day in the book of Zechariah.

Zechariah’s prophecies took place during the reign of Darius the Great and were contemporary with Haggai in a post-exilic world after the fall of Jerusalem in 587/586 BCE. Zechariah is specific about dating his writing (520–518 BC).There we read:

In the fourth year of King Darius, on the fourth day of the ninth month, Kislev, the word of the Lord came to Zechariah—when Bethel-sharezer and Regem-melech and his men sent-to entreat the favor of the Lord, and to address this inquiry to the priests of the House of the Lord and to the prophets: “Shall I weep and practice abstinence in the fifth month, as I have been doing all these years?” Thereupon the word of the Lord of Hosts came to me: Say to all the people of the land and to the priests: When you fasted and lamented in the fifth and seventh months all these seventy years, did you fast for my benefit? And when you eat and drink, who but you does the eating, and who but you does the drinking?

Zechariah 7:1- 6

After the destruction of the First Temple they commemorated that event with a yearly fast ( see 2 Kings 25:8). At the time in Zechariah they were almost done rebuilding the Second Temple after 70 years of exile and the people did not know what to do. They came to Zechariah because they wanted to know what to do with this commemoration.

Their question seems sincere. The response seems rather harsh. Instead of appreciating the earnest nature of this inquiry to stop the fast God tell Zechariah to criticize them for the lack of intention of this fast in the first place. It seems that God is doubting their motivation. They eat for their own interests and they fast for their own interests. Why should this involve God at all?

While we are not there yet, not so far in the future , we too will have a 4th of Kislev reckoning. In our era it is not the destruction of the Temple but rather the destruction of European Jewry that has occupied our collective consciousness. We will need to make sense of our commemoration of the Holocaust. We are getting close to 75 years of a State of Israel. There are preciously few survivors left. What will we do with our rituals and educational program for remembering the Holocaust in the future? What were our intentions for these behaviors? Can we stop what we started?

There is not simple answer to these questions, but I want to end where we began with Zechariah. Not much is known about Zechariah’s life other than what may be inferred from the book. It has been speculated that his grandfather Iddo was the head of a priestly family who returned with Zerubbabel and that Zechariah may have been a priest as well as a prophet. In this he bridged both realities. We also know that his name Zechariah means “God remembered.”

As we consider how we will preserve the memory of the Holocaust we might need a generation that bridges that divide like Zechariah himself. We also need to do some soul searching. Is the preservation of this memory for us and or for God. Like his prophecy maybe some clarity about the intention of the remembering will guide the way.

Sacks ‘n Slacks: Back Pocket Wisdom of Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks z’l

Published November 14, 2022 Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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I wanted to do something to mark the second yahrzeit of Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks z’l. He was an unmatched intellect who had a huge impact of Jewish life and world. How do we get another generation to engage with his wisdom? While I know it does not do justice to the depths of his thinking, but I wanted to literally put his wisdom in their back pocket. So I share with you a draft of Sacks ‘n Slacks: Back Pocket Wisdom of Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks z’l. Yes, I know this is childish and I would like to offer it to children. Print it out and enjoy. Here is how you fold it.

To join the global conversation in memory of Rabbi Sacks go to his website

May the memory of Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks zt”l be for a blessing. In learning his wisdom we enter into the conversation and his impact is sustained.

Over the years I have made a few of these back pocket resources. Here is the form of one of these Back Pocket Booklets. If you have ideas for this or other volumes of back pocket Jewish wisdom please be in touch avi@jewishcamp.org

This Trial: Ribo on the Akeydah

Published November 11, 2022 1.04 VaYera , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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The nadir of VaYerah, this week’s Torah portion, the Torah, and Humanity is when Avraham is asked to sacrifice his child. It is hard to imagine anything worse. There is nothing I love more than my children. I would do anything to protect them, it is hard to imagine hurting them, let alone killing any of them. This request for sacrifice is understood to be the 10th and hardest of Avraham’s Nisyonot– trials. It is hard to relate to this test. How do I make sense of it?

I was thinking of these Nisyonot when listening to Ishai Ribo’s Nisayon Hazeh– this trial. I just love it. Enjoy:

Ribo sings:

This trial/challenge is not quite so simple it just seems naïve, landing on me heavily this challenge still does not fade. I require some help, to little much (very much) forgiveness.

I can only assume that the severity, if not the absurdity, of this trial required Avraham to ask for some help and even forgiveness. That part of the story is painfully missing. In many ways I would to place Winnifred Crane Wygal’s Serenity Prayer into Avraham’s mouth. He wrote:

Father, give us courage to change what must be altered, serenity to accept what cannot be helped, and the insight to know the one from the other.

Similarly at the end of the song Ribo sings:

And give me the wisdom to understand it all because only you are able to give me the wisdom to change, to improve, to repair.

The zenith of these trial’s is Avraham’s capacity to know what he could not change and live with the consequences. I hope that none of us have to contend with trials or ordeals like this in our lives. But we all can learn to ask for the wisdom and serenity to do better. We all need to change, improve, and repair ourselves and the world.

The Right Dove: A Study in Empathy

Published October 28, 2022 1.02 Noah , 8.1.3 Yom Kippur , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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A few weeks ago, at Mincha on the afternoon of Yom Kippur we read the book of Yonah. There we saw a recalcitrant prophet unwilling to carry out God’s bidding. He was directed to speak truth to the power of Nineveh. Yadda yadda yadda…he was being vomited by whale. Finding himself back on dry land he is called a second time to prophesize to the people of Nineveh. This time he carries out the task, walking across the large city proclaiming, “Forty days more, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!” (Yonah 3:4) I was always troubled by what happened next. There we read:

Now Yonah had left the city and found a place east of the city. He made a booth there and sat under it in the shade, until he should see what happened to the city.

Yonah 4:5

Maybe Yonah wanted to leave the city out of fear of what would happen when it was overthrown. But, then why did stick around to see what would transpire? It just seems cruel or at least insensitive. It is as if he were child watching ants getting burned by the sun being focused by a divine magnifying glass. What is the nature of Yonah’s character?

I was thinking about Yonah this week when reading Noah, this week’s Torah portion. Here we see that the world has been overthrown and Noah is trying to figure out when to leave the ark and return to the world. At first, he sends out a Raven, but it was to no avail. While the rain has finally stopped the water had not receded. And then he sends out a dove. That does not work either. There we read:

He waited another seven days, and again sent out the dove from the ark. The dove came back to him toward evening, and there in its bill was a plucked-off olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the waters had decreased on the earth. He waited still another seven days and sent the dove forth; and it did not return to him any more.

Genesis 8:10-12

So the dove came back and saved Noah, what is the connection with the story of Yonah? Well it turns out that Yonah- the name of the prophet means dove. One dove is sent by God to get them to leave their evil ways out of fear of destruction. After delivering the message he sits out to see if they will pass or fail this test. The other dove is sent by Noah who has seen the world destroyed to help him determine when he can re-enter the world. This dove could have just made it life on dry land, but instead returns to invite Noah and the rest of the Ark to join them.

The difference between these two doves reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from The West Wing. The context hardly matters:


Leo McGarry’s character says:

This guy’s walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can’t get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up, “Hey you, can you help me out?” The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along, and the guy shouts up “Father, I’m down in this hole, can you help me out?” The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. “Hey Joe, it’s me, can you help me out?” And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, “Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.” The friend says, “Yeah, but I’ve been down here before, and I know the way out.”

West Wing

Like the doctor and the priest, Yonah the prophet is the classic consultant. He told the people of Ninevah what was wrong as if tossing down a script or prayer and then sat on the side to watch. The dove is very different. The dove shows Noah how to get out of the hole. He knows how to get out of the ark and live in the world. As if to say, “Yeah, but I’ve been out here before, and I know the way.”

This makes me pause and reread the story of the dove in a new way. Why did the dove carry the proof of land in its mouth and not in its talon? Just like the friend in Leo McGarry’s story, it is not about what you say that is important, it only matters what you do. Noah needed proof of land to leave the ark. The way out was not through words, but the doves actions of bringing back the olive branch in its bill. The world is sustained by empathy- our capacity to jump into hole.

The Genesis of a Fixed Mindset

Published October 21, 2022 1.01 Bereishit , Uncategorized Leave a Comment
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One of the first stories told in the Genesis narrative is the killing of Abel. Sadly this is a story we have had to retell and relive in every generation. What is this primordial drive to kill each other?

As the story goes Adam and Eve, who were recently kicked out of Eden, had two boys. Abel became a shepherd and Cain became a farmer. They both were moved to bring offerings to God. Cain brought the fruit of his labor and Abel brought the choicest of the firstlings of his flock. God accepts Abel’s offering, but rejects Cain’s. There we read:

Cain was much distressed and his face fell. And God said to Cain, “Why are you distressed, And why is your face fallen? Surely, if you do right, There is uplift. But if you do not do right- Sin couches at the door; Its urge is toward you, Yet you can be its master.”

Genesis 4: 5-7

As we know Cain does not heed God’s warning and lures his brother to the field where he kills him. I am curious to explore God’s warning to Cain and to all of us.

What is this “longing”? Rashi comments saying

The longing of sin; it refers to the evil inclination. This is continually longing and desiring to make you sin.

Rashi on Genesis 4:7

From this you might deduce that Cain and all of us have to follow our evil inclination, are prone to rage, and fated to commit fratricide. But that is not the whole story. Rashi goes on to explain the notion that God instructs Cain that if he wants to he can master it. Quoting the Gemara he says

If you desire to, you can gain the victory over it (Kiddushin 30b).

Rashi on Genesis 4:7

It is true that God accepted Abel’s offering and rejected Cain’s but that is not a critique on the person of Cain. I would like to share a reading aligned with Rashi’s reading. It was as if God was coaching Cain is saying, “In 10 tries you could win 9, but Abel won this one. Get our there and try again. Learn from your failure and your will do better next time.”

This reading of the story of Cain reminds me of  Dr. Carol Dweck‘s Mindset. It is a wonderful book in which she uses her research in psychology to outlines two typological mindsets. Mindsets are beliefs  about yourself and your most basic qualities. Are these qualities simply fixed traits, carved in stone and that’s that or are they things you can cultivate throughout your life? People with a Fixed Mindset believe that their traits are just given. People with a Growth Mindset, on the other hand, see their qualities as things that can be developed through their dedication and effort. Below you can see a great graphic explanation of these two mindsets. Dr. Dweck argues that having a Growth Mindset is the secret to being successful in everything including sports, parenting, business, school, teaching, coaching, and relationships.

A toddler falls many times while learning to walk. That falling is not failing, it is just part of learning how to walk. This is the Growth Mindset at work. But why and when we we learn this Fixed Mindset?

Above in Rashi’s reading of this story God is pleading with Cain to have a Growth Mindset. The evil inclination is having a Fixed Mindset. Sadly Cain was threatened by the success of of brother Abel. He was depressed because he saw his efforts as fruitless. Cain could not see that it was just his sacrifice was not accepted, he himself was rejected. He saw himself as a reject. God was urging him to shift to a Growth Mindset and be inspired by his brother’s success, accept criticism, and build on this the next time he made an offering. Beyond the story of Cain and Abel being the first story of one man killing his brother, it is the tragedy of the genesis of the Fixed Mindset.

-See other articles on Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset:

Rebundling Jewish Life: Emergence, Imagination, and Sukkot

Published October 9, 2022 8.1.4 Succot , Uncategorized Leave a Comment

We have all experienced a lot of darkness over the last 3 years. Since the original CDC advisements for social isolation, I have been thinking about the famous story of Rabbi Shimon Ben Yochai ( the Rashbi). The iconic story of the Rashbi and his son in the cave is a poignant frame to help us reflect on our protracted period of social distancing due to Covid and the subsequent emergence from isolation . (Shabbat 33b-34a)

At the start of this story, Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai is debating the merits of the Roman Empire with Rabbi Yehudah and Rabbi Yose. When the Rashbi’s harsh critique of Rome gets reported to the authorities, he is condemned to death. He goes on the lamb with his son Rabbi Elazar. At first, they hide in the Beit Midrash, but then they find shelter in a miraculous cave with a carob tree and brook. With their physical needs of safety and nourishment taken care of, the Rashbi and and his son spend the next 12 years immersed in prayer and study. After 12 years in isolation, Elijah comes to tell them that the emperor died and it is safe to leave the cave.

As we contemplate, what life might look like after Covid, the story of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai and Rabbi Elazar needs a closer analysis. The story continues:

They emerged from the cave, and saw people who were plowing and sowing. Rabbi Shimon bar Yoḥai said: These people abandon eternal life of Torah study and engage in temporal life for their own sustenance. The Gemara relates that every place that Rabbi Shimon and his son Rabbi Elazar directed their eyes was immediately burned. A Divine Voice emerged and said to them: Did you emerge from the cave in order to destroy My world? Return to your cave. They again went and sat there for twelve months. They said: The judgment of the wicked in Gehenna lasts for twelve months. Surely their sin was atoned in that time. A Divine Voice emerged and said to them: Emerge from your cave. They emerged. Everywhere that Rabbi Elazar would strike, Rabbi Shimon would heal. Rabbi Shimon said to Rabbi Elazar: My son, you and I suffice for the entire world, as the two of us are engaged in the proper study of Torah.( Shabbat 33b)

For the Rashbi and his son, after spending 12 years in isolation the transition to society was not easy. It is hard to imagine that our reemergence after more than 12 months will go any smoother. Similar to the Rashbi and his son, as we come out of our caves we all have to reconcile the divergence of practices around Covid. Do we all mask or gather? We will not be keep the same standards. Do we understand that the process will be iterative? Will be get stuck being judgmental? Will we burn up our relationships as we reemerge?

What is our role with our children or students? We will both want to act out. As adults we need to give them limits. We also need to help them fail as they mediate this experience of reemergence. This story helps us communicate that this is not new. We will need to rethink how we discipline out children. We also need to understand that “time-outs” might not be so effective.

Their story of reemergence continues:

As the sun was setting on Shabbat eve, they saw an elderly man who was holding two bundles of myrtle branches and running at twilight. They said to him: Why do you have these? He said to them: In honor of Shabbat. They said to him: And let one suffice. He answered them: One is corresponding to: “Remember the Shabbat day, to keep it holy” (Exodus 20:8), and one is corresponding to: “Protect the Shabbat day, to keep it holy” (Deuteronomy 5:12). Rabbi Shimon said to his son: See how beloved the mitzvot are to Israel. Their minds were put at ease and they were no longer as upset that people were not engaged in Torah study..  (Shabbat 33b)

What about this man’s behavior that placates them? In a simple way he was able to wed together the life of learning (in the cave) and the real world ( plowing and sowing). The old man was able to show his understanding of the two versions of the commandment of Shabbat in a embodied practice. On a deeper level he was able to help the Rashbi and his son reemerge from society. What did they want to remember and protect from their life in the cave and their lives in the real world?

As we get ready for Sukkot I think about the bundles of myrtle in a new light. There are a number of different midrashim explaining the species we bring together to celebrate the holiday. One midrash goes:

“The fruit of a beautiful tree” – these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this citron (etrog), which has taste and has smell, so too Israel has among them people that have Torah and have good deeds. “The branches of a date palm” – these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this date, which has taste and has no smell, so too Israel has among them those that have Torah but do not have good deeds. “And a branch of a braided tree (a myrtle)” – these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this myrtle, which has smell and has no taste, so too Israel has among them those that have good deeds but do not have Torah. “And brook willows” – these are [referring to] Israel. Just like this willow, which has no smell and has no taste, so too Israel has among them people that have no Torah and have no good deeds.

Vayikra Rabah 30:12

It is clear that the Rashbi and his son scorned hypocrisy. It the context of this midrash his carrying the bundles of myrtle he is saying that “like this myrtle, which has smell and has no taste”, so too he knows that he has good deeds but does not have Torah. On the simple level they could appreciate his honesty. On another level they might have tempered their world view and realized that it takes all types. Just as we take all four species together on Sukkot, we take all four types to make the Jewish people. On a deeper level you could even see the man’s carrying the bundles as a critique of their lives living and learning the cave for all of that time. The Rashbi and his son were no etrogim, rather, just like the branches of date palm, “which has taste and has no smell”, so too they had Torah but do not have good deeds. What had they done for anyone else during their years in isolation? They took ease in the world in that they realized that they too had room to grow and improve.

As we emerge from our isolation we all need to be more open to other perspectives. It is very easy to get stuck in the way we do things as the only authentic way of living. We learn from Sukkot, we all bring something needed to the table. It is clear that we will need to use our imagination and rebundle what Jewish life looks like post Covid.

Yizkor: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Published October 4, 2022 8.1.3 Yom Kippur , Uncategorized 1 Comment
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After a painful breakup, Clementine undergoes a procedure to erase memories of her former boyfriend Joel from her mind. When Joel discovers that Clementine is going to extremes to forget their relationship, he undergoes the same procedure and slowly begins to forget the woman that he loved. Joel wakes up, his memories of Clementine erased. He impulsively goes to Montauk and meets Clementine on the train home. They are drawn to each other and go on a date to the frozen Charles River in Boston. Joel drives Clementine home and Patrick sees them, realizing they have found each other again. Joel and Clementine receive their Lacuna records and listen to their tapes. They are shocked by the bitter memories they had of each other, and almost separate a second time, but agree to try again.

In short this is the plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind by Michel Gondry. This is a visually arresting film that explores the intricacy of relationships and the pain of loss.

I was thinking about this movie as I prepare for Yizkor on Yom Kippur. We recite Yizkor four times a year in the synagogue: on Yom Kippur , Shemini Atzeret, the eighth day of Passover, and the second day of Shavuot. Originally, Yizkor was recited only on Yom Kippur. Its primary purpose was to honor the deceased by committing to giving tzedakah in their memory, on the theory that the good deeds of the survivors elevate the souls of the departed. It also enhanced the chances for personal atonement by doing a deed of lovingkindness. It was the custom in medieval Germany for each community to read a list of its martyrs at the Yizkor service. The practice was eventually expanded to include the names of other members of the community who had died. Today, most synagogues publish lists of those who are remembered by congregants, which are distributed at the Yizkor services. In addition, the lights on all the memorial tablets in the synagogue are turned on.

Yizkor has evolved to become a practice of exploring the memories of people who played an important role in our personal and communal consciousnesses. In the context of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, one is left asking, can you intentionally forget a foundational memory?

There are many directions I could take this, but for now I will reflect on this question in the context of one of my favorite lines from Torah. The people of Israel have sinned and God is not having it. God says that God will destroy the people and create a new people from Moshe. In response Moshe says, “And now, lift their sin, and if not, erase me please from Your book that You wrote.”(Exodus 32:32). Moshe is saying that we cannot just forget the foundational memory of the people of Israel even if they fell short. Just as Moshe demands to keep their memory wrapped up with his own, the memories of everyone we keep in our consciousness is reknit with our own identities with the recitation of Yizkor every year.

May their memories and our own be for a blessing. Gmar Chatima Tova

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